Monday, May 2, 2011

i surrender

I give up. You hurting me too much. i dont want to love someone who's not afraid of losing me. Its seems like im the only one who's trying to work this things out. salahkah aku nak tanya walaupun tak penting tapi bagi aku, it means the world if u care to share things to me. i know the world doesnt revolves around me, but at least tell me because i dont wanna be the last one to know. you are my boyfriend, we're having a relationship, do u realize that? u never answered one of my call..NEVER! tapi bila "adik" kau call, kau jawab pulak walaupun dia buat jugak bende sama mcm aku, call byk2 kali. sakit hati aku tau tak? but u dont care at all. I truly love you. aku dah tak tau lagi how to prove to that i love you. aku dah pernah pergi ke bilik kau dari shah alam sampai ke serdang. aku mintak tolong kawan aku hantar. I was afraid to lose you and im came to get down on my knees in front of you asking you to forgive me. And till now, i still can't believe what i've done. tak pernah lagi aku buat macam tu kat siapa-siapa. maybe for you itu memang tak bermaksud apa-apa, but for me, it was something to remember for the rest of my life. You've changed me into better person, but at the same time, you're able to make me feel like a dumbass. Every little mistake that I made, kau jadikan seperti kesalahan orang membunuh. I am not perfect ok. Hidup ini tempat untuk belajar dan kalau ilmu tak masuk lagi dalam kepala, tak mati kalau aku cuba lagi and try to be better person. If you're looking for a perfect person, Im definitely not what you've been looking for. I can't change everything for you, I can't be the person who you want me to be, but I am trying so fucking hard to be the right person for you. Why? because i fucking love you so much.
Pasal stress pulak, aku tahu kalau kau stress, ko memang tak boleh disentuh pun kan.. Tapi bukan ko sorang je dalam dunia ni yang ada perasaan, yang ada nafsu. Aku pun boleh stress. Aku ada perasaan, aku boleh marah, nangis, sedih, merajuk, jealous. Haritu aku stress sebab the next day aku ada exam. Kau pulak guna ayat yang sangat panas, ko ingat aku boleh terima je. "hadek2 typical"??? OMG. Dont you dare to call me that again. Memang la aku akan melenting balik, bukannya kau sorang je yang boleh buat macam tu. Aku tak nak carik gaduh pun, tapi aku memang kecil hati. So aku just nak suarakan perasaan aku. itu pun tak boleh?? Dan kau pulak cakap yang aku ni retarded, walaupun kau tak sebut, tapi aku tahu.
Lepas tu status-status kat facebook yang aku update, bukan semua pasal engkau yer. Tolonglah berdiri kat cermin dan pesan diri sendiri that the world doesnt revolve around you, kau asyik nak nasihat orang lain jer macam tu. You are not my center of universe okay? Kau boleh pulak sindir-sindir aku kat kau punya facebook. Aku tak nak remove kau sebab aku still nak tahu pasal kau, aku still sayang kau. Sekarang ni, kalau situasi semakin teruk, aku deactivate jer facebook aku. Aku dah tak nak jadi orang yang asyik merayu kat kau untuk maafkan aku. Untuk kesalahan kecil, kau besar-besarkan. Kalau kau dah tak nak any relationship with me anymore, just tell me now, because I rather die than waiting.
Oh ye ada lagi, tak semua kisah hidup aku, aku cerita kat kau lagi yer. So please dont judge me daripada apa kau tengok sekarang. Kau ingat aku ni anak orang senang ke? kau ingat aku ni tak pandai nak appreciate ke? aku tak pernah mintak apa-apa yang mahal-mahal dari kau. Kau nak bawa aku kuar jalan-jalan pun aku tak nak sebab aku lebih prefer nak habiskan masa dengan kau kat bilik. Aku accept kau seadannya. Aku tak try pun nak ubah kau. Kesalahan or mistake kau pun aku tak peduli sangat sebab aku sayang kau.
If our relationship end like this, I just accept it because right now, i really don't care anymore about relationship. Apa nak jadi, jadilah. Kalau aku berbaik dengan dia, so be it. aku nak focus kat diri sendiri & future aku. i've been neglecting myself too much lately. nak jaga hati sendiri pun susah, apa lagi kalau nak jaga hati orang lain.
Rasanya tu jer aku nak carut kat blog aku. takde orang pun yang akan baca. Bye! FUCK RELATIONSHIP!

Monday, November 1, 2010


It's the morning of the 1st November. I woke up around 8am today experiencing headache & muscle pain on my arm. I love to feel the pain on my muscle because I know, it is growing to be bigger. Then I stood in front of the mirror & start flexing my arm to noticed any differences. I am pleased with myself then I decided to take my breakfast. 

While I'm having a cup of hot Nestum, I browsed through a blog called The Pretty Boys' Club. Gay isn't it? Well, its a gay blog after all. Yes, its a perfect way to start a day looking at almost naked sexy muscular guys picture. I love what I saw but at the same time, I hate those guys. I started to feel jealous because I wanted to look that "hot" too. 

I started to think & make plan in my head. "I'm going to do abs after this, I'm getting fatter. I need to have a hard solid abs like these guys...", "Why wouldn't my body look like them??? Why is it so hard to build chest like them??? I need to work harder!"

I guess that's what motivates me to exercise. Apart from pleasing my eyes & satisfying myself, it urged me to have a body like them. Plus, it keeps me stay healthy, fit & sexy!

What motivates you to exercise?

Sunday, October 31, 2010


"Being someone’s first love may be great. But to be their last is beyond perfect."

31st October is a Valentine's Day for me

A gift from Heart

Thanks Aleey Andro

Forever you'll stay in my heart

Thanks to Abg Zam, Azrie, Abg Zen & Sham for all the helps and cares.

Friday, October 22, 2010

What is the best thing about being gay? =)

It's just one more thing that makes me unique and different from everyone else..hehe..Being gay is a blessing and a curse. 

When u're gay, u have to make many tough decisions pertaining to yourself as an individual and to other people. It is difficult, but it helps us grow, perhaps on average more than the straight people. We have to be strong, & we have more of a chance to learn, to stretch our comfort boundaries. However, there is also the pain of confusion as a teen which I am sure almost everyone has encountered, possible abandonment by people whom you love, depression & maybe thoughts on suicide & the impossibility of argue with those "fucktards" that don't even believe you have basic human rights as an excuse to deprive u of ur rights. Still, it helps us grow. 

What we live through makes us stronger. And we are stronger than the average man or woman. It makes us who we are. Even though we're not labeled by it, we are still in a way defined by the fact that we are gay.. <peace>

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Harder But Happier

"We lived every day with the knowledge that we could meet a final end at any moment. There was constant excitement and frequent fear." 
- Quoted from a novel by Stephenie Meyer, The Host.

For almost ten weeks, I've been living in a very cruel world that I'd created for myself. I do not blame anyone for any mistake that I made or feel remorse at everything I had done. Yes sometimes I did, but I'm not the "I-will-die-when-Harry Potter-sequence-end" type of person. I think I am a center of gravity for anything that called PROBLEM. Maybe God is trying to show me something - or try to tell me that He still love me. But I gained experience and lesson from every situation that I faced - in a very childish way. Life is such a wonderful treasure.

Why harder? Imagine yourself as Alice in Wonderland surrounded by big and large strange faces. Living in people's place made me felt tiny but I'm not a baby anymore. The process of going through life is always hard (except for Paris Hilton of course). Some might lose hope, some might break down. That is because they didn't see the goodness in life had in store for them - especially the goodness that is so hard to see as such.  It's all a piece of a puzzle, takes time to solve it. That's my reason to be happier.

Please do visit Davey Wavey Blog Page. He is a great funny guy and full with inspirations. I really love him. This is one of his YouTube video that inspires me. Enjoy!